Law School Journey in the Face of Loss, Grief, and Uncertainty

By: Tina Miranda

Graphics by: Lynden Valenzuela

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It’s true enough that the only constant thing in this world is change. We grow, we run, we take a leap. We began to walk the earth alongside our parents, siblings, and our childhood friends. And then we map out our dreams as we pass through our teenage years. And when we fall, we can always rely on our beloved mom and dad, guardians, and mentors—the same people who have witnessed our pains and struggles as we traverse this thing called life.

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However, nothing is unending. There will come a time when people will leave us. Not just momentarily, but most of the time, they leave us for good. It’s the kind of change that seems impossible to move on from–the kind that stays with you for the rest of your life.

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One thing about the loss of a loved one is that, while it’s inevitable, we continue to hope that it won’t ever happen while we’re still alive. We don’t want to leave just yet, but we also don’t want to mourn the loss of those who are significant figures in our lives.

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Rodrick “Dick” Martinez, a former managing editor of the Red Chronicles, went through this kind of grief when his father passed away on March 9, 2021. He only had ample time left before his bar examinations. From the outside, it appeared exceptionally painful and inopportune. Yet, despite this trying moment in his life, it was love and compassion that kept him and his family afloat. Their unwavering support, along with his perseverance and fervent faith, propelled him to reach his ultimate goal of becoming a full-fledged lawyer.

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How were you doing in school a few months after your father left?

“All the while, I had the upcoming bar exams in mind. My dad died in March 2021, and I knew I had time to prepare without sacrificing my right to grieve his loss the way I needed to for myself. I said I would give myself two months for just me and my family. I promised I wouldn’t read a single page of bar review material during that time.

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However, two months passed and I wasn’t in the right head space. Although I knew in my heart I had the conviction to take the exams, I wasn’t ready to start studying just yet. There was a thought that kept popping into my head. My dad was my number one supporter in my journey to become a lawyer, and I kept thinking, “what was the point if he wouldn’t be there when my name would appear on that huge screen in front of the Supreme Court?” I feel like that’s what hurt the most. It wasn’t the loss, but the fact that he would no longer be standing next to me in the most pivotal moments of my life.”

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What changes have occurred in your life after his passing?

“I always had this image of what I’d be like when I lost one of my parents. I saw myself sitting in the corner of the viewing chapel, catatonic, staring blankly at the coffin. It’s what I always thought every time I would go to the wake of someone’s mom or dad. I always thought “wow ang strong niya, kung ako yan nakatula lang siguro ako.” But when it happened, it was just like how everyone said it would be. We were just too busy.

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I’m the panganay. I knew what that entailed when I would lose a parent, but in no way did it prepare me for what was and still is now challenging for me. I think that’s what really changed for me. My whole outlook changed, and I think I’m one of the lucky ones who changed for the better. One of the lucky ones whose family got stronger because everyone chose to step up instead of giving up.”

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What helped you get through the grief?

“I can’t say that I’m through it in any way. I don’t think you really stop grieving the loss of a parent, but I can say that it helps that my dad was who he was. My dad was a force, unlike anyone I knew. He had the charm and charisma that would make anyone and everyone love him. He was generous and forgiving, and he truly cared about people. That’s why it was so hard to process that he’s not with us anymore. Ask anyone in my family and we will all say the same thing. He showered us with so much love that we can still feel his presence. We can still feel his love and it hasn’t wavered.

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 It’s definitely all the support that I’ve received that helped me through my grief. It’s so abundant that I don’t even know half the people who prayed for me for the bar exams and continue to pray for my family. 

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In fact, there’s something that happened to me that I couldn’t explain during the bar exam. For some reason, be it divine or imaginary, I could feel my dad’s hand on my right shoulder the entire time I was answering the exam. I literally felt like he was there with me every time I asked a question, to the point that I could feel the weight and warmth of his hand on my shoulder. I don’t know if it was true, I don’t know if it was just wishful thinking, but I do know that it was exactly what I needed. That’s how much I know my dad loved me. Di siya pumayag na wala siya, di siya pumayag na di ko mararamdaman suporta niya during my toughest moment.”

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Despite your loss, what kept you going?

I didn’t know how to grieve, and I’m still learning. I was anxious about not knowing how to grieve properly. I didn’t want to be one of those people who couldn’t live the life they should because of the loss they experienced, so I sought advice everywhere I could. I didn’t like not being prepared for it. I didn’t like not knowing whether what I was feeling was normal or if I was skipping a step only to fall apart a hundred times worse than I should have if I had done it the right way. Then someone told me that the pain doesn’t change; how much it hurts now will be how much it will hurt in a year, ten years, or whenever. What does change, however, is how you handle it. That’s what helps me every day to face what I have to do. It gave me the understanding that though not everyone feels exactly what I feel, they are also going through their own pain and that it’s normal and nothing we should be ashamed of or scared to face.

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It’s the same kind of belongingness I felt with everyone else taking the #BestBarEver. We were all going through our own personal problems. So, when I would talk to my friends and when I met so many others online who were reviewing during the pandemic amidst all the challenges, it gave me the push I needed to gather myself and focus on my goal to pass the bar exam. Honestly, it was a huge help to review with a sense of community and to have the opportunity to unwind and get to know new people. It was a struggle for someone like me to be stuck in my room with nothing but thousands of pages to read in preparation for one of the most difficult exams anyone would face, and probably the most difficult exam of my life. One discovery I had was the Legal Study Buddy server on Discord. I made so many great friends there and literally started to feel normal again because of them. I don’t think I would have gotten my momentum in reviewing without them. I don’t think I would be where I am today if I hadn’t found them, and I am forever grateful.

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All I can say is that I am humbly and immensely grateful to everyone and anyone who has been with me and my family through this process, and I know my dad would be the same. It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve stayed strong because of them; because of how strong my mom has been through all of this; because of how my siblings have come together and supported one another; and how everyone has showered us with nothing but love. 

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